The day before Mothersday this year was a bit of a strange one for us. It was Carter’s 12 month D’Versary for his Diabetes. 12 months ago to the day; my boy lay dying in a coma – fighting for his life. It was both heart-breaking and happy to have him here healthy and strong. He is doing so very well and I am so proud of him. I wanted him to have a really wonderful day, to celebrate him.
We took him to the Toystore, he got his first geared bike and he chose some other treats too with his birthday money from earlier in the month. It was lovely to take him out and treat him and the Bike is the perfect solution to get him away from the Xbox that grows more surgically attached to him by the day!
I had spent quite a bit of the week chronically sleep deprived, I’m not sure if it was a combination of anxiety and worry over my return to University and placement next week, the fact that I had a stinking virus with a scratchy, flemmy chesty cough and random raging fevers OR, the anticipation and PTSD rearing it’s ugly head because of Carters 12 month D’Versary OR simply that Carter’s diabetes was driving me mad and he’d had a couple of random hypo’s for no reason in the middle of the night – thanks honeymoon. Either which way, a combination of these knocked me on my ass and it took everything to actually get up and get dressed. I just wanted to lounge in my pyjamas, manage Carters Diabetes, be a wife and a mom and close the world out whilst I still could – next week – everything changes! For now, I wallowed in all that is wrong with the world – and it sucked!
I missed my mom, it was coming up to my 20th Mothersday without her – completely unacceptable. Even worse that Diabetes stole her and I was here battling Diabetes for my baby, 12 months after Diabetes almost – very nearly stole him from me! A stronger person would probably shake it off, slap their face on and hold their head high. I spent it crying, sweating with fever, squeaking because I lost my voice and stressing over leaving Carter, Morgan and the house for 48hrs a week when reality kicks back in with a bang the following week.
I wanted to ring my mum, to talk to her, I really, really miss her – I could REALLY do with someone to talk to, anyone, but no one knew her, didn’t love her like I do and the ones who did are happy and have moved on. She was my mum, I don’t know how to live without her and it’s hard because we didn’t fall out. She didn’t disown me or prefer other siblings to me, act like a complete stranger or syco or anything that moms do for god unknown, selfish reasons – she loved me and she died. When I was 15, just died and I miss her every single day!
BUT, I recognise my pain and pity is not my boys life, I am their mom and it is my job to create their happy and their memories, just like my mum would want me to – for them!
So, I slapped on the make-up (ontop of the cold sweats) and we headed out to celebrate Carters 12 month Diaversary and find some happy 🙂
It was actually really sweet, we called in to buy some fresh berries for dinner and ate it with home-made chocolate flapjack – all very low carb and had no impact on Carters blood sugars. In fact, 12 months on, on the exact day where 12 months prior he was fighting for his life against diabetes, his blood sugars were better and steadier – safer than most non-diabetics. He is amazing!
We watched his video (I blogged about this at the time), he loved it, he was humbled and emotional, he thanked me for making it for him. I am glad I did – it was therapeutic for all of us. You can view it here: https://www.facebook.com/rachel.beal1/videos/vb.1087336483/10210916034592013/?type=3&theater
Then Mothersday came:
Happy Belated Mothersday to all of you!!
I hope you had a nice day. Whether it was relaxing with wine and baths and all things pampering. Shopping, spending and seeking out high-street steals. Working, socialising, holidaying, eating out with the family, cinemas, parks, treks in the woods, swimming, football, basketball, cycling bla bla, I hope it was exactly what you needed, that you were together with your loved ones, kids, parents and had a bloody lovely day!
Or maybe; Maybe you didn’t get dressed at all? Maybe you didn’t remove your make-up from the previous night, are decorating so your bathroom resembles more of a wood-yard than a tranquil retreat so a relaxing bath is a thing of the past and you’d been up the previous 2 nights managing your son’s diabetes, have a 4000 word university assignment to write and were completely knackered. In that case, your day was very much like mine.
My boys made me breakfast in bed 🙂
Well actually, it wasn’t that lovely. at 9am Greg’s nurse was banging on the door, Greg was fast asleep as were the boys (after sleeping through their 8am alarms that they’d set to get up and make me breakfast in bed). I had to drag them out of bed to go downstairs and see to the nurse so then of course I was up.
I was demanded back to bed ‘just go and sit in bed and wait for your breakfast’ so I did. My boys were very grumpy and tired and the whole lovely Mothersday was just over before it started.
But the breakfast was nice – really nice! The boys ate my sausages (they were awful), the sprouts and bacon was super yum and I’m a sucker for peppered fried mushrooms and eggs – YUM!
And I got some lovely cards.
And then Greg went to see his mom, the boys had important things to do on the Xbox and I stayed in bed writing my assignment, napping where I could in-between seeing to Carter.
I sat chilling with Lilly – it was her Mothersday too, I played with her, she had some treats, allowed me to fuss her babies and take some cute photos – it was lovely. She is lovely 🙂 ❤
We didn’t have a lunch (I made the kids something of course) and they were too busy to do anything for dinner so I had some cheese and spinach a polony with pickled onions I brought myself from the fridge. I was hoping for steak, something where we could all sit down together. But Greg’s back hurt and as I mentioned the boys were on their beloved xbox – bit shitty to be honest (I hope you’re reading this one day guys and NEVER repeat this to your wife’s, they won’t like it – trust me).. Xbox does not trump mothersday!
I changed my pyjamas into clean ones and got a bit of sleep (3 days with no sleep was about to finish me off) and the boys came in for cuddles – finally dragging their ass off the xbox. I grabbed a photo with them, it was lovely 🙂
All in all it was a pretty sucky Mothersday. It was also the first Mothersday we have had since Carter was diagnosed with Diabetes, was it Diabetes fault? I don’t know. All I know is that it was quite possibly the worst, most depressing mothers-day I have ever had – in 14 years; and I really, sincerely hope that everyone had a much better day than me.
I also hope that we can learn to overcome whatever it was that caused the shitness to seep into what I was really looking forward to. If this is our future then something needs to give. If it’s that my boys need to learn some respect and spend less time addicted to the xbox then so be it, if its that my husband needs to pull his finger out of his ass and be a better example/leader for them then that too!
So that was Mothersday, my first Mothersday as a T1Momma and it was SHIT! I hated it and thinking back about it makes me sad. Does it reflect how shitty my son feels being diabetic? Does my older boy feel neglected therefore couldn’t be that bothered to do anything for me?? Am I a shitty mom and didn’t deserve a nice day? Was it just one of them things and I need to get over it? Maybe? I don’t know… I guess next year we will find out…
Until then, we will keep finding our happy – it’s there – somewhere…
P.S (shameful plug): I am still fundraising for Carters medical equipment. If you can help, please click the link, if you can find it in you to share for me with your social media circles, I will really appreciate it: https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/CartersDex
THANK YOU!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤